Flag-O-Rama!

4th of July Specials!

Show those big fat rich white golf buddies of yours the true power of pride as you bat that little tiny ball around acres and acres beautiful land wasted on the elitist and boring sport known as golf.  This Uncle Sam headcover will leave them in awe, barely able to wipe the drool off their puffy, pale jowls.

Awwww, now this is cute:  a red-white-blue teddy bear with the good o'l USA stitched on it.  And look!  The USA has a halo!  That means we're, like, holy and stuff, right?  Kewl!  God is on our side, after all.  Those other countries don't stand a chance, 'cause Jesus is our personal good buddy.  Yeeee-hawww!

No child's bedroom is complete without a patriotic theme.  Everyone knows that not having a patriotic theme can lead to disastrous results:  terrorism, cannibalism, and (worst of all) non-Republican voting.  So get your little brat a bedroom setup like this, before it's too late!

Say, how many times have you yearned to leave your mark on those juicy, sizzlin' steaks you're grillin' up at today's 4th of July BBQ?  Well, now's your chance!  Make sure everyone knows your meat is 100% good ol' God-blessed number-one American with these handy branders!  Burn it with logos for USA, the Navy, or the Marines.  Works great on the kids, too!

Time to get ugly

Serve your country...literally!  There's just something so endearing about our flag being represented on a staggeringly ugly tray where food and drinks can be placed (and spilled).  U!  S!  A!

OK, just how fitting is this?  Patriotic bull, get it?  Huh?  Sigh...that's too easy.  But seriously, what the hell is this supposed to represent?  I suppose it could mean several things:  the herd mentality of most Americans, our ever-expending waistlines, our neverending production and consumption of 100% American Grade-A bullshit...it's quite a multifaceted image, really.  Maybe I'll buy one after all.

Cuttin' & hangin'

Use this bald eagle dagger to STAB-STAB-STAB people with freedom and liberty!  Nothing says "Proud to be an American" like an instrument of violence, hmmm?  Don't make me cut ya!

Arrghh, my eyes!  Someone must have thrown up during crafts class or something.  Wow.  Can you imagine this hideous thing hanging on your door?  (Wait...don't answer that.)

Twistin' in the wind

Which way is the wind blowing?  Well, considering all the hot air coming from D.C...

Let freedom ring...like cheap, ugly windchimes made in China!

Tacky goldmine - Part 2

Beautiful U.S.A. paper bags.  Perfect for hwarfing up your lunch anytime, anywhere...especially after one of those Dubya speeches.

If you see someone wearing this, do us all a favor and slap him.

Perfect for shoplifting, or carrying your sorry butt back to the store to return it.

The latest from Juvenile Mentality, Inc.   Huh-huh-huh, that's cool, Beavis.

Wow!   This propaganda notepad cube really empowers me.   I feel like I can tackle the entire Al-Qaida network right from my office desk!

Ahhhh, the squeeze light keychain.   What better way to remember the 9/11 victims than to buy one of these and...well, squeeze it.  Or something.

Ya can't burn the flag, but by God, you can sure throw it around and stomp on it in the mud!  Hot diggity!

Dear God.   This platter has got to be the ugliest, tackiest, most horrendous hunk of ceramic peepeecaca I have ever seen.   And mine will be shipping shortly!   I can't wait to serve my favorite Middle Eastern dish with it.

Tacky goldmine - Part 1

My brother Patrick risked his very citizenship under the watchful eye of Wal-Mart security cameras to capture the horror of Little Patriots Diapers.   Are you frightened yet?

Well, now!   If there's one thing America really needs to soothe its battered soul, it's Celestial Seasonings Tea.   And look how it sparkles with bright yellow stars!   Drinkin' this tea makes me forget allll about that ol' 9/11 thing, oh yeah.   The money does go to a good cause, but...tea??

Mini flashlights, in case you can't locate your dignity after buying them.

Jeepers!   Now you can look patriotic and pretentious!

Wow, the stunning artwork on this notepad cube is almost like actually being in NYC!   It's amazing.   The Ground Zero rescue teams should be proud that their efforts have yielded such moving examples of American Pride.   It truly touches us all.  (I'm not saying where.)   And notice that when you remove paper from the notepad, you're actually simulating the collapse of the WTC.  What incredible sensitivity and taste!!

Stated with true 4th-grade eloquence.  Osama who?

Oh no, not tasteless at all, especially when they're wrapped around your flagpole.

Swill your favorite skanky beer with these oversized mugs.   Jefferson would be proud.

You could strangle someone who's wearing one of these...if you really cared enough.

Oh look, it's the Twin Towers of Spices!

America's Truck!

Yes, it's real.  More images are in the Flagbook here, here, and here.

OK, this is tacky patriotism taken far beyond any reasonable limits.  Why don't they just mount a set of "United We Stand" steak knives on the hood and get it over with?  The cheese factor is through the roof, especially with Dubya's ugly, lying mug slathered all over it.  Wow, it's SUPERPATRIOTIC!!  But what symbolizes America better than an SUV?  Huge, excessive, arrogant, expensive, threatening, gas-guzzling, and bullying anything that gets in its way.  I'm sorry, but this thing is just plain laughable.  Well-intentioned, but laughable.  Nice try, Jimbo.