Super Giant Ultra Manly Mega Roadbeast
- New, from the folks who brought you the Ford Phallus! Climb
into this luxury roadhog and prepare for the ultimate patriotic
driving experience. Feel the power of the beast as you run down
foreigners and other un-American scum (and their pets) in their
tracks. Nobody can run from the power of American Pride!
Sure, it sucks down 30 gallons of gas a day, polluting the air and
funding many aspiring Middle East terrorists, and it will put you in
debt for many years to come...but why should you let all that
get in the way of your God-given freedom to buy and drive huge,
hulking tanks, far bigger and more powerful than anyone needs for
everyday use? - $89,999 |
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 Ameri-Pits
- Yes, now you can banish the foul stink of foreign dictatorships and
turban-wearing terrorscum forever with this powerful new deodorant.
Your pits will be invaded, conquered, and rebuilt with a new regime of
freshness! Not for use on the French. -
$19.95 (per pit) |
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 Loadmaster
Deluxe™ - This magnificent work of
toiletry is a must for every true patriot's home. Crafted of
100% American-made porcelain and sporting our flag's beautiful stars &
stripes, it will stand as a beacon of hope (and relief) in your
bathroom. And thanks to the Loadmaster's patented scenting
technology, even the stankiest poo comes out smelling like Mom's apple
pie. It's craptacular! - $999.95
(Evil Dictator Toilet Paper sold
separately.) |
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Special Offer!!
-
If you order one (or more) of the Loadmaster
Deluxe™ toilets, we'll send your pussycat his very own U.S. flag
litterbox! This is a beautiful high-quality box, lovingly
handcrafted by the good folks at TurdWurx Ltd. And when you toss
in the included mini Evil Regime action figures, your kitty can drop
his own little bombs on the sands of Iraq. Meee-YOW! |
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Sole Pride
- Yes!
Now you can walk down the street in pride, knowing that the U.S.
Flag is prominently displayed on your footwear...even on the soles!
Stomp on terrorist scumbags (or even people you just don't like) in
style! Painstakingly handcrafted by skilled 8-year-olds in
some other country, these are a must for any flag-conscious
American. - $259.95 |
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Coffeemaker
of Victory - Everyone knows that
only anti-American pigs don't drink a hot cup of coffee in the
morning before work. Well, now you can start your mornings
with a patriotic cup of coffee, freshly brewed in our new U.S. Flag
Coffeemaker, and feel safe knowing that you're doing something good
for your country! Patriotism never tasted so good! -
$139.95 |
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American Pride Pore
Cleanser -
Real Americans don't tolerate facial blemishes,
which is why you can't possibly live a productive life without owning
our incredible All-American Rechargeable Pore Cleanser. Suck
terrorist blackheads right off your face and make your skin safe for
democracy! - $99.95 |
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All-American
Toothbrush -
No self-respecting American would allow his
teeth to go unbrushed, and we all know that terrorist scum don't
brush properly. That's why it's imperative to keep your teeth
sparkling white to avoid any unpleasantness. Our U.S. Flag
Toothbrush is just the thing, and it's recommended by patriotic
dentists everywhere. Destroy anti-American plaque! -
$49.95 |
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Silverware of the
Free - Yes, food actually
tastes better with these marvelous pieces of silverware. Each
bite becomes a tribute to America! Crafted with care by
underpaid metalsmiths for your dining pleasure, these shiny beacons
of freedom are perfect for stuffing your face with pride 'n' glory!
- $79.95
per set
(Please note: these utensils DO NOT
work on French cuisine.) |
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Tires
of Pride -
Rule the road, All-American style! These megacool tires are
complete with don't-tread-on-me treads and red shiny rims. These
beauties are great for running suspected terrorists down in the street,
and they're guaranteed stainproof. VROOOOM! -
$159.95
(each)
Hammer
of Justice -
It's hammer time! Whether you're building a
new church or constructing a killer new spice rack in your basement, you
can be sure that your nails will be driven with the power of an
all-American hammer. And if you're in the mood, this baby is
awesome for braining non-flagwavers and other anti-American scum. -
$39.95
Udderly
American Breastpump -
Are you a proud American mother with a newborn
patriot in your arms? If so, you're in dire need of this
amazingly beautiful U.S. Flag Breastpump. Nurture your child
with Old Glory. Betsy Ross would be proud! -
$349.95
Tampax™
Tampons of Glory -
Let freedom flow with these specially-designed
American Flag tampons. They're great for those times where
protection is a must: baking apple pies, leading church
activities, or walking down the beach at sunset with your daughter
having one of "those talks". It's the most all-American thing
any woman could ever use...period! - $49.95
(box of 12)
Patriot
Hairby -
He listens! He learns! He talks in
complete gibberish! And he's an American from his U.S.
Flag-embroidered ears all the way down to his furry blue feet.
Patriot Hairby is great for kids who want an all-American pal to
play and talk gibberish with. - $179.95
Confeddy
Freddy -
This one's for the original fanatical flagwavers out there. Some
folks in the South know what it means to wave a flag at every possible
opportunity, and we can't leave them out of the fun! Freddy
proudly sports the Confederate Flag in all its racist glory, and if
you squeeze his tummy, he screams "Nuke those towelheads! Kill 'em
all!" Confeddy Freddy unites the North AND South in a common
bloodlust. Great for tots! - $399.95